Humble And Kind

You know there's a lot that goes by the front door
Don't forget the keys under the mat
Childhood stars shine, always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be a waste of time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind

Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flying
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleeping with someone
And sleeping with someone you love
I love you ain't no pick up line so
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door say please say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got moutains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind

When it's hot, eat a root beer, a popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're goin'
Don't forget turn back around
Help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awzNHuGqoMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awzNHuGqoMc

My Modus Operandi For You

I first posted this on Facebook a few months before you were born, Violet.  It is, remains, and always will be my promise to you.

When I was first asked about how I felt about you being in my life, I replied (as trite as it sounds) that you would be a complete blessing; but you always have been of course.  The real question that bodes is whether I was ready for you.

For a long time, I could not answer that question definitively.  But before I could answer that, there were questions I needed to answer for myself.  I worked for a long time and very hard to answer this for myself, and eventually for you.

This world can be an overwhelming place;  nothing ever goes by plan and in my time here I've encountered times that I've found difficult to navigate; there is unbelievable hardship, pain, and tears involved...

....bu there is also so much joy, happiness, and laughter here as well.

Your mother and I have always been penchants for adventure, whether it's jumping on planes to explore faraway places, or just being in the same room, spending time together, and have a world open up right in front of us.

I'm beyond elation that you're on your way to join us in this adventure; there are so many things I want to teach you, and I'm just as excited about the things you're going to teach me.

For all the joy, happiness, and laughter, I will be here to laugh and smile next to you...and for all the hardship and pain, I'll be here to hold you and wipe away your tears.

Love,
Dad

Valentine's Day 2019

Dear Violet,

I've been really bad at writing to you on a regular basis, but I hope to turn that around as soon as possible.

There are so many memories of you that have happened since I last wrote you.  You continue to grow and evolve.  You're 31 months now, 2 and a half years old, and while still our baby, you are very much a little girl.  More about your growth and your life as I write to you more.  This letter is about something just as important as you.

This Valentine's Day, we're not able to be together as a family.  Your Mom is on her way back from class in San Mateo as she works towards her Bachelors in Nursing, en route to a CRNA license.  I'm currently at work in Station 6, in my first of 3 days in the firehouse; and you are currently at Hiddenbrooke spending with your Lola Betty on Valentine's Day.  Such is life at this stage for us right now; we can't be together, and that's going to happen from time to time; but my love for you and your mother grows fonder every day, especially in times like this when we can't be together.

I want to tell you just how much I love your mother and how much I appreciate her.  I don't tell her that enough, and I probably don't demonstrate it to her the way she'd like me to, but I do....with every iota of my body and soul

In the time just before I met her, I went through a lot of pain and healing;  a lot of self discovery, and a lot of growing up.  It's not an uncommon story as you'll find out as you grow older, but this one is mine.  That pain.....that healing...that growing.....it was necessary..... and it allowed me to find your mother and see her for who she is.  It allowed me to have the courage to project my true self.

I don't hurt, but I am scarred;  I don't forget where I came from, yet I try not to look back...because that's not where I plan on going.

I haven't had the time to reflect on the recent past with much introspect lately.  I know from trial and error, that doing that is key to keeping myself not only grounded in truth, but it's also a key to me living on my life's edge where my real purpose lies, where I hold my deepest realization.

As a result, you and your mother haven't been getting the best version of me.  It sucks to say that, because the best of me is what I demand of myself, and I'm committed to the both of you to deliver my best self.

Your mother and I have had some recent friction with regards to that.  She and I don't always see eye to eye, but we have the same goals, even if we differ in what we think is the best way to get there. 

Yet I love her none the less, and I appreciate her, because not only does she challenge me to be better man, she affords me the opportunity to nurture and take care of her, to take care of you.  It is one of my deepest realizations to be her partner and to be your father.

I'm just like anyone else trying to make do, succeeding and failing at the same time; trying to be strong, wise, unswerving in dedication and direction.  I have no choice but to stretch my limits further, becoming the person I am not sure I can be...But I must, and somehow in these past few years, I've weathered the challenges - though not unscathed, I can assure you of that.  I have failed, I have succeeded, and in the final analysis, I have survived; shaken not stirred; and tomorrow is another day; another palate to paint something of worth to me and those in my life, especially you and your mother.

Happy Valentine's Day sweetheart...I love you and your mother to the moon and back.

Love,
Dad

More aware

Dear Violet,

A couple of weeks into your 17th month, and you're starting to become more self aware, and with that comes not just happy feelings, but the not so happy feelings also.  We've actually seen these for the past couple of months, but as your brain develops and you grow, we begin to see these with more frequency.

Your confidence has always flown high, as we encourage you to fall literally and figuratively, and pick yourself up again, yet I know there's a fine line where (and we are still observing more, just as you observe us) traits that are more frowned upon can start to crop up.  That doesn't make them bad per se, but we are starting to see that the time will come soon when we will have to intervene more, to teach you how the world works.

You've begun to display fear more readily, by running back and climbing on me, or by being near me.  You don't cry when you're scared, but you do get quiet and that look of uncertainty.  There is also when you hold your hands in front of your eyes as if to shield yourself from what's in front.

I first saw you do this when Lola Betty threw her tantrum shortly before Thanksgiving.  You didn't cry, but I could see you watching in horror.

You get mad when you don't get what you want (usually our phone to watch Chu Chu TV), and will cry out to voice your displeasure, but will also, stop, make quiet eye contact, sometimes throw something down.  It's actually quite cute, and I try not to laugh so you know I'm taking you seriously.

Last night, i hid my phone from you when you started looking for it, and you yelled at me, picked up your globe, and dropped it in your display of anger.  It dropped on my hand, and I disciplined you, telling you 'no', then you tried to scratch my face, and I hit your hand and told you 'no'.  You didn't back down, you didn't cry, and we had a little mini stare down.  Afterwards, you walked away and started playing with your carousel.  You brought it over and wanted me to push the top so it could spin.  I do so, and you laughed and laughed.

At the park the other day, you did something new, when you kept telling the only other kid in the park "No", when he was climbing the stairs to the slide.  Your Mom and I called out to you to be nice, and you started blowing him kisses.  You seem to know when you're in trouble, and when that happens you also seem to try and turn it around.

I really do cherish this time in your life right now Violet, it's very precious and I know it will be fleeting.

You wake up with a smile, have begun to call out Da-da when you hear me stirring, you hand me either the elephant or your Minnie Mouse, before I pick you up and you start your day (making animal sounds, greeting Mama in bed, and go upstairs where you call for Echo). 

Putting you in your car seat, you usually have a smile for me, and we will play a mini game of peek-a-boo before we take off.

You still kiss Mama and DaDa when we ask.

I digress, but these memories of you I will always cherish.  I'm excited for you to discover the world, but I'm also fearful.  Just this morning I was reading an article about how kids at a school in Boca Raton started a program #WeDineTogether, so that kids in school socialize and don't eat alone.  Reading the comments from adults, there are so many kids that get bullied.  I don't want you to get bullied, nor do I want you to be a bully.  I know if/when it ever happens, it will be difficult for me to watch as it will for you.  I hold you in my arms cradling you, knowing that I won't be able to protect you like this and make it go away so easily.

Love,
Dad

Rambunctious. 12/1/17

Dear Violet,

So a little about you, and the person you are at close to 17 months...  You’re a very sweet little girl.  You generally wake up smiling, making animal sounds like the teddy bear in your crib,  or the elephants up on the shelf, or the monkeys on your wall.  These days you are learning very quickly, and we can see your mind starting to develop language skills and more cognitive skills.

You know some of your ABCs by sight and color, you can count 1,2,3, and sometimes up to 6.  Some of your more frequent words are: Mama, Dada (yet you like to call my Mama), CooCoo (Kuya), Todah (Lola), Todoh (Lolo), Liiiiights),  A-wash (I want...), Moh-no (moon), ball, apple, O-ra (orange), Up Up (Up/Down).  Wakaaa! (Water).

There are words that you know but don’t say yet, or you have your way of saying it....like Star;  when you see one, you sing (in your baby pronunciation), “Up above the world so high...).  You don’t name animals by name, but you make the sound that they make....dog (woof woof), cat (meeeow), fish (glug glug), zebra (poom, poom), lion (rawrr), bear (rawwr), tiger (rawr, but sounds like a bobcat), birds (peep peep).  I’m sure there are others but my mind is racing right now. Airplane, moon, baby.

You love to be chased, you get more giggly than scared. We will go around the kitchen and to the hallway and back again.  You like to work on things, and get upset with us when we do it for you;  you especially like to put covers on jars, caps on tubes, etc...so we let you work on them.  You like grabbing feet and screaming.  When you want someone to get up, you’ll grab their leg repeatedly.  And when you want someone to wake up, you’ll tap their arm or face.

When it’s time to eat, you like to have your own spoon, and you are getting very proficient at using it.  We still have to have our own spoon and feed you into between your spoonfuls to make sure that you eat.  A lot of time, you’re mixing your food, or crushing it;  something you picked up as you’ve watched us prepare your food.  Yesterday, you managed to put on your galoshes by yourself.  I caught a video of it.  I did try to help you, and you got upset with me that it was done.  I have a video of that too.

You know a bit of sign language as we’ve been fairly consistent teaching you.  You know “more” (fingers together).  “all done” (waving hands like a craps dealer), and “please (tapping your belly).

You LOOOOOVE the water, but you do seem to know your limit.  We started you on swim lessons at 6 months, and through this summer, but really need to get you back to swimming.

I have spanked your hand at times, and you’ve gotten scared or quiet with the discipline.  I’m still trying to figure out how to be consistent with this.  One time, i spanked you and you stopped, but ran off, shocked, then turned around and I saw the tears form in your eyes and you let out a slow loud cry.  My heart almost broke.  But I came and got you, you tried to pull away, and I apologized to you...but I also let you know that you have to listen to me and your mom when we tell you to do something.  It really is for your safety.  You can tell by the tone of our voice if something is wrong.

Early on, you seem to have picked up on people’s mannerisms and evaluated them.  You seem to want to make people smile and be happy.  That’s a good thing...you’re thinking of others.   You also have gotten upset and cried when they’ve given you mean looks.

Playing with kids your age is something I’m still observing.  You share your things with a smile, and you expect the same, but there are some kids that don’t share, and don’t take too kindly when you come in and start playing with something that they’re playing with.  You’ll learn to say ask in time.

You’re a beautiful little girl.  I may be biased, but everyone’s reaction to you is the same, that you are a cute and affectionate kid.  Some had kidded that you’d by easy to kidnap, because you are welcoming to most people when you meet them.  That’s not to say that you’re not wary, you have an intution about people and are wary when you first meet them or see them for the first time in a long time.  But you become comfortable with them after a while, and/or if you see that they’re okay with me and your mom.  She and I have to watch that though, because as adults we’ve learned to mask our apprehension with people we don’t fully trust.  I don’t want to misguide your intuition.

That said though, your presence commands a room’s attention.  You can be seen waving and blowing kisses to people on the street, in the market, etc.  It usually starts with them looking at you, and then you looking back and noticing them, then you smile and wave, and maybe blow a kiss...after that, you’ve got them hooked.

That’s it for now.  I had a great time playing with you last night as Mom, Auntie Jade, and Auntie Gurjeet got ready to go out for a night out in San Francisco.  We played with your toys, we chased each other around the kitchen, laughed, yelled, put you on the balance ball, where you laughed so heartily.  Showered you in the sink, and gave you milk per the routine, and you went down in your crib easily.  It was a bit late staying up for you, but I don’t really have any hard fast rules on that.  Whatever allows you to have the most fun, be the most happy, and get the best rest (even if it’s not the whole night).

Love,
Dad

2017

Dear Violet,

It's been over a year since I wrote to you here.  I didn't want it to get away from me, but I do have to cut myself some slack as it has been a busy year.  My mind is running with so many things so I will try not to fit it all here.

A short (I'll try) summary;

Shortly after my last post to you in Sept 2016,  your Uncle Chris' surgery was postponed after it was clear that he was not prepared physically, logistically to go through the surgery.  Many issues came up, from my parents not being informed, to a rogue doctor so willing to operate on Chris (he was fired and banned from research for some seedy activity while employed in UC Davis), to Lolo Munding successfully completing his aortic aneurysm stent, going through rehab, making it home for the holidays, a subsequent hospitalization and realization that he was terminally ill in Feb 2017, due to a hypertrophied right ventricle, his code on Mar 20, 2017, his stay in the hospital, and his passing on April 22, 2017, after 48 years of marriage to Lola.  Chris eventually had his surgery at UCSF on Mar 1, which was successful, and he has been symptom free.  He has since been diagnosed with diabetes.  Lolo had his funeral on May 5, 2017, and at his mass, you had your "first" communion.  He is buried at All Souls Cemetery in Vallejo, next to the pond where ducks swim.  Before he passed, he hand picked the site, and we were all there at Kaiser Vallejo when he gave out his last breath and his heart let out his last beat....we stayed as we felt his warm skin slowly turn cold.

I will fill in details of this as time goes on, as of this writing, a lot of it is documented in pictures and posts on Facebook by myself and relatives.

We grieved him through May and June, and I don't really recall what happened during those months.  I think all of us were just numb and trying to grieve in our own way.  I'll have to look back at a calendar and document later.  We still grieve him.  Lately, Lolo Munding has been showing up in my dreams.  I have a lot to expound on regarding losing my father, and I want to share what I experienced, partly so that it makes sense to me, but also to let you know that I understand what you will go through when my time comes.

In July, we had your first birthday party at Kennedy Grove in San Pablo, where your Mom had a "The Wild Things" theme.  It was a sunny but breezy day, yet so many relatives from both sides of your family came to celebrate you.  I made this mixture that literally filled the park with giant bubbles.  You were a little young to notice them then.  They're one of your favorite things now, and I sometimes fill the entire living room with them when you ask for them.

In August, you went on your first cruise for your Mom's family reunion.  Lola Betty came with us too.  It was a difficult, yet good trip, as this was her first activity without Lolo Munding.  We celebrated her birthday in an Italian restaurant in Ft Lauderdale.  You sat in her lap as we sung happy birthday to her, and you and her blew out her candles.  Just for the record, your first cruise was on Royal Carribean's Symphony Of The Seas, to date the biggest cruise ship in the world, and from Ft Lauderdale, we traveled to St. Maarten, San Juan, Puerto Rico, Labadee Haiti.

We didn't take any trips in September, but that month was probably the first month that life began to move on without Lolo Munding.  There are still a lot of things that need to resolve themselves, most importantly, everyone, especially Lola Betty, trying to find their new 'normal'.

In October, we took our first trip to Hawaii (Kauai) with you.  This was the trip that was originally scheduled back in April, when your Lolo was in the hospital.  We postponed it for obvious reasons, and as it turned out, had we gone, we would have not been here with him when he passed away.  It was a special trip for a lot of reasons (your first trip to Hawaii, your MOm's first trip to Kauai).  It was an absolute delight to see you enjoy it (see videos on Facebook and or the future server I've yet to install).

Which brings us to November.  I joined the Knights Of Columbus, a Catholic Fraternal philanthropic organization that Lolo Munding was a member of.  He was a Fourth Degree Knight.  We had our first Thanksgiving without Lolo...there are a lot of firsts during the first year I suppose, but as the trite saying goes, 'it gets better with time'.  I'm not totally sure I'm convinced of that.  I will always painfully miss my father.  Regardless, I think Thanksgiving was a success despite Dad not being around.  You seem to call his name a lot lately, either at the house, and even at the park.  "Tow-doh" is how you call him.

That's it for now.  I know that's a lot to summarize, and doesn't even really go into details of my thoughts behind it all, but I'll get to it as the days go by.

Suffice it to say, that your light and aura continue to be an inspiration to the people you encounter, and your mother and I love you more intensely everyday, even when we think we couldn't love you anymore.  You're growing into a toddler now, and as I wrote in my letter to you back in Feb 2016 (on FB for now), just as we are here to guide you, I find myself learning from you as well.

Love,
Dad

11 weeks

Dear Violet,

Wow, how the time has flown by!  You're now 11 weeks old, and you're continuing to grow, both in size and your capabilities.  There's a lot milling around in my mind right now, so I apologize in advance if this post seems scatterbrained.  But first, on to you!

The week after my last post, you found your smile!  And it's an infectious one.  I first saw it when you and Mom came to visit me in the firehouse.  I was on a 5-day stint, and you guys actually came to see me twice.  I'd post pictures here for reference, but I'll have to figure out how to do that later.  For now, they're up on Facebook.

In that 5 day stint, I even noticed how your legs had filled out and grown.  Your 2 month appointment, had you weighing in at 13lbs, 11.9 oz, 22 in long, and your head at 38 cm.

You are turning out to be quite the chatterbox.  Your instinctive tendencies are still prevalent; hunger, discomfort....but you now seem to be more aware.  You can see people at distances, can definitely follow and track them with your eyes...but when you are seated right in front of people, your eyes catch who is in front of you, and then you greet them with a great big smile, a coo, and then what seems to sound like you trying to converse.  Of course, right now, you don't know any words, but that doesn't stop you from talking.  Your Mom and I speak with you like we're having a conversation with you.

Your sleeping habits are sort of changing...we think.  When I'm away at work, you seem to wake up and stay up more often through the night.  It doesn't make things very easy on your Mom, as she's here by herself to handle you.  It's not that it's hard...but sleep deprivation can be exhausting.  When I'm home, your mother has noticed that you tend to sleep longer.  We think it's because of my snoring acting as a white noise of sorts in addition to the white noise that we already play for you through the night.

One common thing that we have noticed, is that you sleep better when you're next to one or both of us.  It makes total sense, the skin to skin contact, but for now, we need to make sure you sleep unimpeded by things that could smother you in your sleep, including us...and that's why you sleep in the co-sleeper or crib.

There's a lot going on with my side of the family right now, but before I briefly get into that, I want to tell you that you are an absolute shining beacon of light to everyone that you meet.  From the old ladies that want to take a look at you when we're walking around town or the hospital, to our friends and family....and especially my mother and father, your Lola Betty, and Lolo Munding.  You are an inspiration in your complete innocence and youth.

Whenever I'm home, we still FaceTime with your Lola and Lolo when you're awake.  They really like that, especially Lola.  She absolutely adores you.  You are her first and (to date), her only grandchild, so be prepared to be smothered with love every time.  She actually comes to tears when she sees you!

Your Lolo loves you just as fiercely Violet, even though he doesn't show it in the same way.  I've known him my entire life, and growing up I always knew that his gruff, tough exterior was always backed up with a thoughtful, compassionate side.  He's grown more affectionate in his old age, and you are a recipient of it now.

He moves a  bit slower these days, but he still jokes and kids with you like he did with your Auntie Melanie when she was your age, and I surmise that he will do that till his last day.  It may cause you some tears at times, but trust that he loves you so much, and wants nothing more than for you to laugh and be happy.  And in turn, you make him laugh and be happy too.  It's something he needs more often.  He has and is always a pillar of strength, but we all need help....and you absolutely help him to be stronger.

You got to meet Auntie Rosie and Uncle Ron this past weekend for the first time.  And your Manang Eunice was with them, so that was the first time she got to see you since you were born in the hospital.  They bought you a whole bag of clothes and toys from the Disney Store.  The clothes are cute, and you can't stop looking at the Moosical Cow.

Your Auntie Rosie is not doing so well.  She has Stage 4 lung cancer and is currently being treated with Tarceva, bone infusions, and immunotherapy.  The cancer had metastasized from her lungs, to her brain, and to her femurs.  She's undergone radiation therapy to shrink/eradicate the cancer from her brain and legs...and now they're addressing her lungs.  The cancer is inoperable.

Your Uncle Chris, is going to be going through a brain surgery on Sept 29.  He has what is called a meningioma on his right parietal lobe.  From what I've read, it's not cancerous, and is slow growing, and is considered from what I've read, and talked with the doctors about...a fairly straightforward procedure.  I pray that is indeed that.  My brother has not had the easiest life, but he does have great perspective about life in general.  Though this is not technically a tumor, it will be his 3rd brain surgery in his life, and going through surgery, is always a scary thing.

Lolo Munding has an extensive medical history, and ironically, a heart bypass surgery that he had in 2014 resulted in many complications that for all intent and purposes gave him a massive stroke that he had to recover from.  He has always been the strong outdoorsman, but now he's not able to do those things anymore, and two years later, he is still coming to terms with it.  He's not as strong as he used to be, and a persistant A-fib, results in constant fatigue, and bouts of COPD.  He walks with a walker now.  Though physically compromised, his mind is still strong.  I try to spend as much time with him as possible, and bring you along when I can.  Looming in the near future is an aortic aneurysm that is being monitored.

That's all for now.  (It's a lot, I know).  I'm off to do a bit of my morning reading (currently I've committed to learning about how to improve our financial situation this fall/winter time, instead of getting caught up with the regular distractions of football and baseball season.  I'll try to be better about writing more often.  This helps me a lot, and hopefully, if and when you ever get to reading this blog, I hope it will help you too.

Love,
Dad